“What do you want to be when you grow up?”
We’ve all been asked this question, and frankly many of us, even in our 30’s and 40’s, may still ask it to ourselves on a regular basis. The standard responses from kids are quite common: firefighter, doctor, pilot, etc.
Normally, the conversation might end right there.
If we are 100% clocked in for Dad Duty, however, there are some ways to take the discussion a bit deeper. Simply taking a moment to break down and swap out some of the word choices can make a big difference in where this discussion might lead.
The Opener
For example, let’s begin with the “interrogative pronoun”, which is the fancy term for the choice of what. By choosing the word what, we implicitly prompt a response involving an occupation. Hence the standard responses from our kids involving job titles.
Yet simply swapping the word what with any of the other options can dramatically alter the direction of the conversation.
Who
For example, beginning with who – who do you want to be when you grow up – might result in a deeper reflection on identity, and what might contribute to that future identity, rather than a superficial one focused on job titles alone.
Eric Greitens, in his book Resilience, advises a friend in a collection of letters to “decide who you want to be…act that way…in time, you’ll become the person you resolve to be.” He goes on to point out that the majority of us live life in a backwards, reactionary state of mind, allowing our feelings to shape our actions, and these reactive actions to produce our identity.
Instead, he says, we should allow our chosen identity to drive our actions, and those actions will eventually produce our feelings. We should ask “Who do I want to be”, and then essentially fake it until we become it.
As the ancient philosophers figured out thousands of years ago, we control our emotions as much as our emotions may sometimes control us. Our actions often create our feelings – whether they be as simple as exercising and sleeping, or as noble as acting with courage and compassion towards others, and the respective moods which are a direct result.
In other words, in a quote frequently attributed to Socrates, “Be what you would like to seem”.
How
Opening the original question with how – how do you want to be when you grow up – can prompt a worthwhile discussion on a desired state of being. You’ll be surprised by the spectrum of responses from youth nowadays, spanning everything from happiness and wellness to financial security and overall stability.
It is important here to be prepared to ask, and respond thoughtfully, to questions on what happiness actually means. Without diving into a monologue on modern happiness research, it is essential to simply point out that happiness isn’t a final destination.
Just as taking a single shower won’t keep us clean for an entire lifetime, having a great day won’t promise happiness into eternity. It requires daily effort, awareness, and maintenance, much like the development of character.
We may not know the secret to happiness, but we know that a key ingredient to unhappiness, as Dan Harris mentions in 10% Happier, is living “as if the present moment is an obstacle to overcome because whatever is coming next will surely be better.”
And as the Buddhists say, allowing a “craving to be otherwise, to be elsewhere” to consume your entire life is a sure way to never truly be content.
Where
Lastly, where – where do you want to be when you grow up – obviously prompts more physical descriptions and desires, including locations (rural vs urban), lifestyles (rooted vs nomadic), and even discussions on home ownership, among others.
The Verb
A final twist, and one which may be the most important of all when specifically discussing a career, or vocation, is the choice of verb.
Notice how all of the above questions end in the verb to be. Some languages, such as Arabic, don’t even have a present tense for of this action, to be.
Too often, we get caught up in the identity, or the title, associated with a given career and presume this translates into a desired state of being. We think that because a job may look good on a resume, or sound good at a happy hour, then it must be good, regardless of the actual tasks and actions involved on a daily basis.
Sadly, this is not the case. We may think that serving as a “counter-terrorism intelligence analyst” is far more riveting than a “corporate database manager”, for example, simply because it may sound more interesting. But at the end of the day, both positions are sedentary, staring at a computer, sending and receiving a lot of emails.
What do you want to do?
We should spend far more time thinking about what we physically want to do. Or, more importantly, what we do NOT want to do, because more often than not, the passion you may have in the substance of the work will not make up for your lack of enthusiasm what you are actually able to do each day in support of said passion.
For example, if the thought of staring at a computer for eight hours a day makes you nauseous, you can eliminate a broad swath of modern employment, as this physical activity (or lack thereof) is sadly a large component of everything from the Foreign Service to real-estate to charity grant management, military intelligence, and beyond.
This doesn’t mean you should attempt to pay the bills with an undeveloped and risky hobby or craft simply because you want to avoid the office life.
In fact, we should as a society try to define ourselves less by our paid employment and more by our “virtuous hobbies”, or “high quality leisure” activities (those which “serve no other purpose than the satisfaction that the activity itself generates”) as originally espoused by Aristotle and more recently coined by Cal Newport in his book Digital Minimalism.
On the other hand, if you like to be active all day every day, perhaps you never bothered to consider the Postal Service. if you enjoy learning new ideas and sharing them with others, maybe you should teach. And so on.
Thinking hard about what general lifestyle you would like to pursue every day – whether it be active or sedentary, social or alone, or indoors vs outdoors, can help pin down meaningful initial employment far more than just thinking about lofty titles.
So, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Perhaps we should set aside some time to really discuss.