“So what’s it like with two?”
The question isn’t referring to the number of cars you drive, dogs you walk, or homes you own – though all three situations would be nice. The question is referring to the number of children you have.
The short answer is this: #2, surprisingly, brings you both liberation and balance.
First, the liberation.
With #1, you were still able to somewhat function as a young adult, remain social, and even go out to eat from time to time. You could still cling on to your life before children with relative success.
But let’s admit it – it felt forced sometimes, like you were doing it just to prove to yourselves that you still could.
With #2, at least in the first year, these are no longer choices. You no longer have a say in whether you can pull off that happy hour. You no longer have to waste time weighing the pros and cons of the impromptu golf outing on Sunday – you don’t even play golf. And no, you probably won’t be able to join the backpacking trip in Iceland this year.
In other words, you are freed from the burden of balancing family commitments with unnecessary social commitments. You are liberated from the urge to pretend like you still have a life.
As David Brooks summarizes in “The Second Mountain”, you’ll find yourself in a true commitment, in this case to your family, in which you can easily “say a thousand noes for the sake of a few precious yeses.”
And yes, it is truly liberating, because your choices now are so simple.
“Real freedom,” he adds, “isn’t so much the absence of restrictions as finding the right ones.” It may seem backwards at first, but try it out and you’ll see what he means.
Secondly, the balance.
With #1, you feel obligated to be all-hands on deck for the sake of your first-born child. You essentially run a zone defense with your spouse to cover down on the newly arrived MVP of your home. Everyone’s time is #1’s time, and it is exhausting.
Eventually, #1 becomes a toddler and isn’t as reliant on Mom as before. And unless you are one of those highly put-together couples with incredible planning and foresight, this is when the differences in your parenting styles quickly reveal themselves.
If you’re lucky, your approaches may complement one another. Maybe Mom handles the substance of daily activities, and Dad simply handles the logistics. Maybe Mom is the good cop, and Dad the bad cop. Or perhaps you parent the same way, but just split the duties equally.
More often than not, though, your styles will clash a bit. One is strict, the other laid back; one easily becomes stressed, the other is a pushover; and so on.
This can, and will, cause tension, but this tension is perfectly normal and workable if identified, acknowledged, and addressed early on.
With #2, you are forced to implement man-to-man defense. No longer does #1 have the full attention of both parents. Although full family activities are great and highly encouraged, reality will dictate the need to divide and conquer. Mom will stay home with #2 or go on a short walk, whereas Dad will take #1 to the park, the playground, or the zoo. You’ll each have much more one-on-one time with your children than you did before, and this is a good thing.
If you previously found yourself in a situation in which your parenting styles often clashed, this is great news – you’ll now be able to parent as you please during your one-on-one time. No more judgment or criticism regarding how rough you play on the couch, or your specific procedures when crossing the street. “Watch his neck!” will be a thing of the past.
And if you previously found yourself in a situation in which your parenting styles complemented each other, this is also great news – you’ll be forced to step up and fill the positive role your spouse previously played on your two-person team, making you a better Dad overall.
Whatever the case, be grateful. With two kids, you are now entering a phase of Dad Duty in which you can really begin to develop your unique approach to one-on-one time with your kids.
For example, you’ll begin to notice how they act slightly differently when alone with you in comparison to with the family, or with Mom. You can begin to develop your own inside jokes, activities, and vocabulary. And you and your spouse can begin to develop your own “menu” of activities for your children to choose from. For example, Mom can cover down on arts and crafts and playground trips, whereas Dad can take the lead on hikes, bike rides, and joint cooking.
This isn’t manipulative or competitive in any way – it’s just a natural, healthy result of quality one-on-one time, something that wasn’t a necessity for a variety of reasons with #1.
Is life busier? Yes.
Is your free time reduced even more? Yes.
Are illnesses, tantrums, and meals twice as hard? Yes.
But my hunch is that you’ll come to agree that somehow, in some odd way, your life with two will feel more liberated and balanced.
An old saying is that “the greatest thing you can give your kids is your time.”
Give it away now while they are young and malleable.